Two Years Later

To be honest, it still hurts me...deeply. And it's not that I still love him, I don't. And it's not even that he stopped loving me. It's because after he stopped loving me, he stayed and lied and acted as if any changes in his feelings were a direct effect of my smothering neediness. His elaborate lie reduced me to a driveling idiot with no self-respect. That's just cruel and all too usual punishment that even on my worst day was undeserved. He could have been honest with me, and I could have had the opportunity to leave with some dignity. But at that point, I was so worthless to him that my feelings meant nothing. So he kept lying, telling me he loved me and that I was just demanding to much of him. This pattern kept me just close enough to come running when he called.

When I look back at the girl I was and realize I am responsible for all those words and actions, I hate him for changing me. Back then, I was vulnerable, tender, and stupid. Now I seem cold, hard, and calloused. And hating myself is much more painful than hating him.

Proverbs 14:23

"All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty."

I will promise to do the hard work (Lord, make me able and committed to working hard). I will wait on you for the music and the words. You could have found a girl much more talented than I, but I will trust in you and your perfect will. Turn my tongue of acid and hatred into one that soothes, comforts, and challenges in love. I will trust you.

Proverbs 14:13

"Even in laughter the heart may ache..."

A, J, and R,

Let me be the ache that makes you laugh, dear sisters and friends. I will make you this promise: As long as you know me, you will be loved.

You three have no concept for how much you will be missed and how I have grown from your friendship and love. My heart is full to the breaking point. You are cherished.

Love in its purest form,

me