A Response

Hey Larry,

You don’t know me, but I read your blog often.

I feel strongly about money…I hate it. Even more so, I hate that I need it. My favorite musician these days, Brian Vander Ark (former lead singer to the Verve Pipe), put it this way in his song Nothing But Time, “though you know it means nothing, you just can’t ignore the nickel and dime”. I tried, for a long time. The longer I hid from it, the worse it got. I finally had to face the gravity of the situation after a very expensive, very unexpected situation. In July of this year, I moved away from LA to [smalltown, in the South] to trade my uncertain lifestyle for a steady job and living with my parents. Oy.

It probably sounds like I am about to tell you to go for the money, but I’m not. The reason I made the decision to move was because of my desires. Living as far into the red as I do, it is more than difficult to even move in the direction of my dreams. Before I can accomplish anything, I have to get out of debt and learn how to handle money.

Your situation is much different, I know. Our heart’s desires and talents are gifts from a God who loves us. He also uses our circumstances to guide us in the direction he would like us to go.

A friend of mine in LA got fired this year, albeit unjustly. Within a month, he had a job paying him twice his old salary and more in tune with his desires. While I was in LA, that didn’t happen to me. I was able to find work to keep me fed, but it was never what I wanted to be spending 8+ hours a day doing.

I don’t know what you should do, but ignoring your desires to chase dollar signs is not it. I think the key is in ranking your desires. What is most important in this world to you? I mean, what do you want them to write on your headstone: “Here lies Larry a man who…loved his wife…wrote extraordinary books…pleased God?”

I hope this helps. Just so you know, living in [smalltown] and working for the “man” has been 100 times more difficult than I imagined it would be. Even still, I know this is where God brought me, and he won’t leave me like this.

Things I've Learned

Yesterday, This Fish posted a list of the "10 things i have learned from relationships with men", here's mine:

1. They wish they were telling the truth almost as much as we do.
2. How to properly handle CDs.
3. Not all boys from Texas can drive.
4. If a man tells you "You're not that nurturing", what he really wants is his mommy.
5. Mel Brooks' humor does not translate well for everyone.
6. By comparison, I am an excellent driver.
7. Italians really can't speak without their hands.
8. Roses are not my favorite flower.
9. Some men like romantic comedies AND big explosions.
10. I can do it myself, but it's nice to have help.

In making the list I had to leave several important things off because I had learned them on my own. That was a great feeling, but now I need a new list:

1. How to fix the door latch with a nail and a ponytail holder.
2. How to drink beer and like it...a lot.
3. I am not crazy, but I am flawed.
4. How to accept my flaws while still trying to improve myself.
5. How to parallel park.
6. I am beautiful.
7. How to eat with chopsticks.
8. I am a woman.
9. I am a girl.
10. Time spent with the girls eases just about any situation.

The Words I Choose

**Note: This was a light-hearted blog that turned into a mini-sermon, but I think it's important so I will risk the uncool points.**

After reading Susan Isaac's blog on Jesus Jargon, I started thinking about the first time I realized there was an entire vocabulary specific to the Christian faith. When you grow up like I did, in a small town down south, you do so without much exposure to diversity. I grew up thinking, quite innocently, that everyone was just like me.

I was probably around 12 years old the first summer I spent at The Cove, a Christian camp set back in the mountains of western North Carolina and run by the Billy Graham ministries. Except for getting up at the butt crack of dawn, summer camp was a blast. Oh, and they made us write letters home. Never mind the fact we were only there for a week and most of us were an hour or 2 away from home, at most. At the time, I was not a big fan of writing letters. The act of writing a good letter is truly an art form, an art form I've still not mastered, much less at 12. But if I was required to write a letter, I decided it should speak of the things I had experienced and learned at camp, especially since my parents had footed the bill.

Since I have always had a flair for the dramatic, I used colorful language. All I really remember from that letter was writing about how I had had some sort of spiritual awakening (Christian Phrase #1). I described how before camp I was dead on the inside (Christian Phrase #2) and that getting up early for devotions had lit a fire in my soul (Christian Phrase #3), I was now spiritually alive (Christian Phrase #4).

I knew the letter was crap before I sent it, but I wanted my parents to feel like they were getting their money's worth. I was a ridiculously dutiful child. No really, for years I used to ask special permission of the wait staff at various restaurants to order off the kid's menu after I was technically too old just so the bill would be cheaper.

After I had been home from camp for 2 weeks and had long since forgotten the letter I wrote, my parents received it (gotta love the USPS). Well, my parents being who they are had trouble with some of the terminology I used in my letter. Number 1 and 3 they were fine with, it was 2 and 4 that sparked our discussion. You see, apparently, the term spiritually dead was only to be used in reference to the time in one's life before they became a Christian. I, on the other hand, had accepted Jesus as my personal savior (Christian Phrase #5) when I was 5 years old. I know, I know, another story for another time. The point my parents were trying to make was that if I were to speak to someone in terms of spiritually dead or alive (why do I feel a bad Christian remake of Bon Jovi coming on?) I better be speaking of pre-5 and post-5. Pre-camp and post-camp was simply, incorrect.

**Note: The fact that my parents would take the time to explain theology to a 12 year old speaks for itself, and I am a stronger believer (Christian Phrase #6) for it. Now, I am not saying they were right about everything, but their heart's desire (Christian Phrase #7) was to raise a daughter who would follow God.**

Although at 12 all these concepts were a little to difficult to grasp, I got the message. My words were important, and how I used them would shape the perceptions people formed of me. And perceptions are all too important in the church. Notice, I didn't say the Christian faith. The only people perceptions are important too are the Christians with something to hide, or at least something they think they should hide. There are things in my life I could hide, and while I don't advertise them in the bulletin, I also don't cringe at the thought of discussing them. I have sinned a. lot. And been forgiven a. WHOLE. lot. People need to know about the forgiveness.

Most of the characters of note in the Bible had major sin issues (Christian Phrase #8) to deal with, that's a point I don't think is made often enough. David cheated and murdered to acquire Bathsheba as his wife after she was already pregnant with his child (2 Samuel 11). Arguably, the most notable shotgun wedding of all Bible history. But in 2 Samuel 12:13, David admits his sin and the prophet(?) Nathan tells him, "The Lord has taken away your sin". Peter denied Jesus 3 times, and Jesus forgave him before the sin was ever committed. Luke 22:32, "But I have prayed for you Simon (Peter), that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." That verse is amazing to me, in the space between the first and second sentences, Jesus acknowledges that Peter's faith will fail, and forgives him, only to give him a heavy responsibility in the second sentence.

Now, our logical minds would tell us you don't give the important jobs to the screw-ups. But God does that throughout the scriptures (Christian Phrase #9). We are all screw-ups, and if your not, you're hiding from yourself. That means none of us have any excuses. God seeks the broken people (Christian Phrase #10). Are you a lying, cheating murderer? I know I am, I have looked in the face of my God, turned away and run into the arms of "lovers less wild" so many times I can't even count. I have NO EXCUSE for not serving his kingdom (Christian Phrase #11), and if your a Christian, neither do you.

When Harry Met...Somebody Else?

Back in the day, you were my Harry. I remember watching this movie with you in the hotel room in Kingston with your parents. We had been friends for a year before we realized we were in love, it was a sweet time. I don't have to look at any of the pictures I put away long ago, I can see them all in my mind.

As history would tell it, you were my Joe.

It's really a miracle that I still love the movie so much, after all we went through. But I do. It's one of my favorites. Because...because, my Harry is still out there.

I hope you find your Kimberly.

Have fun storming the castle,
Me

Ephesians 5:14

"That is why it is said:
Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead

and Christ will shine on you."

This verse really hit me hard this morning. It was one of those moments where you feel it's talking straight to you. One reason could be related to the fact that I am not exactly shy about my love of and skill at the act of sleeping. I joke that it's my hobby, but it's really not a joke.

With the recent move across the country and the general upheaval of my life it's not surprising to me that I have been quite depressed. As a side effect, I am always tired no matter how much sleep I get.

So when this verse said 'Wake up, sleeper', I thought 'How?' and 'What do I need to wake up from?' Tonight, I don't have the answers, and mostly I just feel worse, on the verge of tears. The tears feel necessary but not appropriate, so they will stay in my head. But I still want to wake up and have Christ shine on me. But how, Lord?

Random one-liners that have no other place.

• Someday, I'll go to bed dirty and wake up clean.

• I miss being enjoyed.

• If you left in a blaze of glory, you can never go back.

• I still smile, I just haven't meant it in a while.

Lunch with my Dad, the Epilogue

A person really wants to believe the people they love aren't about to hurt them, even when she knows they will.

My first clue should have been when he asked me to lunch, but it wasn't. I didn't want to believe he always had an ulterior motive, especially when he doing something nice. I managed to stave off the suspicion until he mentioned the restaurant where we were headed was quiet. Even still, in a split second I convinced myself otherwise. He was just getting older and didn't like noisy places. (This has not been true of my father a day in his life, probably no one knows that better than me. It is simply astounding what I can convince myself of with very little effort.) The second clue was when he wouldn't talk about work. At that point, the ominous feeling that this lunch wasn't going to end well wouldn't leave. But it would be ignored. I wanted to believe my dad was honestly concerned, I desperately needed too. He ruined it, he turned a perfectly good lunch and my blind faith in the father I truly admire.

We don't want to believe our loved ones are capable of such premeditated infliction. If we did, we would be cynical and unable to enjoy or even notice the moments when there are no agendas. And we do believe there are moments without pretense, even if we've never seen them. We hope and we believe, because we love them.