Random one-liners that have no other place.

• Someday, I'll go to bed dirty and wake up clean.

• I miss being enjoyed.

• If you left in a blaze of glory, you can never go back.

• I still smile, I just haven't meant it in a while.

Now Let the Music Keep Our Spirits High

There was a time not long ago when everyday felt like flying. Even if I was tired, I was still in the air. Now...now I'm nowhere. I'm in a hole, a rut. I'm underground. Digging or crawling my way out seems an impossibility right now. I've been a little obsessed with Jackson Browne these days and he put the sentiment correctly in the song Before the Deluge, "And in the end they traded their tired wings for the resignation that living brings". That's about where I am at. It's the resignation that keeps me from flying, not the inability. Once lost, how do I get back whatever "fire inside" it was that made me fly?

Moving has been harder than I expected. Isolation is both a friend and an enemy. I am almost past the point of being flippant about the pain. It takes a lot for me to get to the place where I can't make jokes. Well, I still make jokes to other people, but my heart is not in it for the moment, which kinda kills the funny. Although, some people are nice enough to give the courtesy laugh...keeps things from getting too awkward.

What I need is to get out of this house - no, strike that - what I really need it to have a reason to get out of this house. Being out there with no reason is worse than being in here.

Things will get better, they always do. But even if they don't, I will keep telling myself that. I just get in these moods sometimes where nothing helps, 'cept music. The right song at the right time can move mountains. So, I will leave you with another quote from my current obsession,

"I am just a day away from where I want to be. Now I'm running home, baby, like a river to the sea." -Jackson Browne from Your Bright Baby Blues

The first part resonates with me the most right now, but in time, the second part will be just as true.

A Tale of Two Tones

In starting this blog, my main goal was to have a place where I could air private feelings without hurting the people involved. To that end, this blog is fast becoming a dark place. The "real me" blog has a much lighter tone, and is often comedic. I feel as if I am creating two different personalities, but the truth is both blogs are completely true of me. Lying and presenting yourself falsely are two of my biggest annoyances.

My new mission statement is to work through the issues I am having with people and circumstances in my life, and find a way to join the two tones. As much as I despise the bleeding heart for her weakness, I relish her tenderness. In the same light, I love the ballsiness of the tough girl, and hate her impenetrable nature. I will begin to combine the best of both girls into a healthy, happy, ballsy, tender, well-adjusted young woman. Twenty-six is still young, dammit!

Not Funny

Not feeling very funny today. I like being funny. I like being able to laugh at stressful situations in my life, helps me deal. By default, I do not like today. So let's make a list of all the things I cannot laugh at today, shall we?

• Completely Unbalanced roommate: To be clear, I have 2 roommates. One of them is Absolutely Fabulous and I would move in all over again, even knowing CU was gonna flip her lid, just to know AF.
• Friends flirting with my ex: That is just shitty. This guy, we'll call him Recent Ex, really dicked me over. And by that I mean, RX wrecked my car with me in it after attempting a u-turn from the right hand lane without even checking his blind spot and smacked into an SUV with four girls in it. What? Who does that? And why would my friends be flirting with him in front of me? It's not like they don't know what happened between us. Is it too much to ask that they hate him forever? I didn't think so either. As a result of the accident my insurance dropped me, and now I pay an ASTRONOMICAL amount to sit in the traffic of this Big City with none of the promised help from RX. Which brings me to my next item on the list...
• Moving back in with my parents: To say this experience is humbling would be the understatement of the century. Because of the accident I am now officially in over my head, and am tired of always worrying about money. In a couple of months I will be heading back to Small Town, America to work my way back into the black. I don't plan on being there forever, only til I am back on my feet. Then I'll be moving to a New Big City in America.

Since that list is completely negative and bitter, I think I need to make a new list to balance it out. Reasons I have to laugh today:

• My Best Guy Friend: BGF emailed me today and asked me to lunch. BGF always helps me find the funny when I've misplaced it. Lunch was great, and not just cause we were drinking in the middle of the workday. He is truly a treasure. I will miss him mucho when I leave for Small Town.

Ok, that's it for the positive list. But you know what? That's enough to balance out all three. Never underestimate the power of good friends. *happy tear, sniff*