Things I've Learned

Yesterday, This Fish posted a list of the "10 things i have learned from relationships with men", here's mine:

1. They wish they were telling the truth almost as much as we do.
2. How to properly handle CDs.
3. Not all boys from Texas can drive.
4. If a man tells you "You're not that nurturing", what he really wants is his mommy.
5. Mel Brooks' humor does not translate well for everyone.
6. By comparison, I am an excellent driver.
7. Italians really can't speak without their hands.
8. Roses are not my favorite flower.
9. Some men like romantic comedies AND big explosions.
10. I can do it myself, but it's nice to have help.

In making the list I had to leave several important things off because I had learned them on my own. That was a great feeling, but now I need a new list:

1. How to fix the door latch with a nail and a ponytail holder.
2. How to drink beer and like it...a lot.
3. I am not crazy, but I am flawed.
4. How to accept my flaws while still trying to improve myself.
5. How to parallel park.
6. I am beautiful.
7. How to eat with chopsticks.
8. I am a woman.
9. I am a girl.
10. Time spent with the girls eases just about any situation.

Made-up Word of the Day

Monodrone

Not quite sure I could define it for you, but as soon as I heard it I knew exactly what it meant. I'll give you an analogy:

Monotone is to monodrone as staccato is to legato.

Pretty sure that won't help anyone that doesn't know music, but it's the best I could come up with. Please enjoy the made-up word of the day responsibly.

List of Weirdnesses

Because this is a "shadowy" blog, I am going to share some things that no one knows about me. When it comes down to it, you don't know who I am, so my secrets are safe. I will feel much better. You, however, may be disturbed.

• I like run-on sentences. They agree quite well with my thought patterns. Damn grammar rules!
• Despite my impeccable spelling skills, I will always misspell the word til. It just looks prettier that way. Plus, if you take the un off of until you get til not till, duh.
• I do not like starting sentences with "I" when I write. Most of the time this is not a hard thing to accomplish. Sometimes, however, I am either too lazy or too uncreative to think of another way. Obviously, I am feeling lazy today.
• I only like chocolate when I am PMSing.
• I have a favorite bathroom stall at work.
• I am OCD about form. When scraping the butter off a dish or the Noxema out of it's tub, I have a certain pattern that I follow, without fail, so that the top will be even or at least symmetrical.
• I prefer "sports top" water bottles to the regular ones because I can squeeze the water into my mouth, thereby forcing myself to consume the recommended amount of water everyday.
• I cannot fall asleep listening to music (with or without lyrics) because I pay attention to the song and can't shut my mind off.
• I cannot wake up listening to music. It just provides a soundtrack to my dream.
• I make up words to suit my fancy (ie; weirdnesses), and I always spell them correctly.
• I chew my cuticles, but think biting one's nails is gross.
• I will eat anything if you put sour cream on it first...or fry it...or both.
• I can fall asleep anywhere...even on airplanes.
• I prefer the electric version of "Layla".
• I enjoy looking at myself in the mirror. In fact, I seek out opportunities to spend time admiring myself.
• I collect mirrors.

This list will be updated from time to time, as I discover new weirdnesses that have yet to be exposed.

Rest In Peace, Metal Clippies

Is it sad that I almost cried real tears when my last metal clippie died last week?

In college, I made the most important purchase of my life: two rust-colored, metal clippies. You see, my hair reaches almost to my waist and is as thick as it is long. To my hair, plastic clippies were playthings. They would snap out of my hair in pieces, like an errant toe nail after clippage. The same went for hair sticks, they shattered in my hair leaving splinters to pick out. My hair, however beautiful, was always in my way, until one fortunate day at Claire's.

----------

There I was, in the hair accessory section...again. I was something of a regular, since the hair that would not be tamed had broken yet another set of plastic clippies. Near the ceiling, in the top row, I spotted 2 clippies that looked the same color as my hair. It only took a couple of jumps to get them into my greedy little fingers. But what was this? These weren't plastic, they were metal. Score! Me and my metal clippies left the store and lived happily ever after...until last week.

After seven years of wedded bliss (Seven years, people! I don't even have shoes that have been with me that long!) and during a routine hair clipping session in my bedroom, the spring action on my clippie, sprung it's last. This was the last surviving clippie, my other one bit the dust a few weeks earlier. I was ignoring her death in the hopes of a miraculous revival.

I tried my best to keep a stiff upper lip, as I made the long trip to Claire's. Guess what? Metal clippies are no longer made. Turns out Claire figured out how much money she lost out on because of me and my metal clippies. Stupid bitch. As I am deciding whether or not to waste the money on the plastic clippies, I start to hear my follicles gearing up for the party they are going to throw in honor of their new found freedom. How can I go back to the plastic clippies? It would smudge the memory of the metal clippie, and that, I cannot do.

So unruly hair flowing in the wind, I head for home.

----------

Until I find evidence that the extinct metal clippies are no longer extinct, I will have to find another way to restrain my superpower hair. So far the only implement that has measured up is a PaperMate pen...I am so screwed.